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What Would I Do
(for Dale)
You asked me once what I would do
if you were gone,
taken from this life into the next.
I remember telling you
I would curl myself into the bed
that held you before you left
breathing deep the parts of you
that remained, gathering each hair
that lay softly upon your pillow.
I would collect each piece of paper
that you had put a mark on
capturing each word, each scribble
into my heart to help fill the emptiness.
Each day would begin with
morning coffee at our special place,
softly telling you what kind of birds graced the sky,
if the sun was shining brightly
or hiding its face sadly behind the fog.
In the afternoons I would watch the surfers
remembering the child-like joy
that beamed from your face
after you came from playing in the waves.
I would cuddle myself onto the sofa we shared
watching all the movies you placed on our list
of must see films, my arms aching to hold you.
I would see you in each moment,
each conversation and dream we dreamed,
each place we shared together.
I would, at least in dream, travel to all the places
we had planned to visit from Boston in the fall
to Fiji anytime to bask in its warm beauty.
What would I do if you were gone,
taken from this life to the next?
I would cry an ocean of bittersweet tears
filled with the joy of the life we shared
and the sorrow and emptiness
of what has been taken from us.
I would carry you with me each moment
until I was able to join you again.
September 2004
(revisited January 22, 2006
the date of Dale's passing.)
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Trick or Treat
Halloween pumpkins sit waiting,
as spiders crawl along webs over their heads,
on the porch of Mr. Macklin's house.
They wait, with carved out eyes
and wry toothless mouths,
for the laughing ghosts and goblins
that always come on this dark and spooky night.
Trick or treat!
10/6/04
Buzz Words:
Mr. Macklin, pumpkin, dark, spooky, crawl, carves, laughing, eyes, mouth, wry
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Irresolute Soul
I stumble in my weakness, my nakedness,
as shadows lengthen with the passing of time
wishing the words from your mouth
would swallow the fears of my own making,
lift them like balloons and float them
far from this void, but there is only silence.
The light of day flickers into darkness
as loneliness, an unwanted element of my irresolute soul,
consumes my tattered emotions, leaving me wanting
for the passage of this cold and quiet night,
anxious for a rebirth of day to reflect its brilliance
in the darkness of this eternal moment,
hopeful its newness will distill my heavy heart.
9/29/04
Buzz Words:
elements, nakedness, reflect, flickers, swallows, balloons, mouth, stumble, distills, shadows
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Pillow Talk
In silent conversation
our souls speak
serenely, unobserved,
interrupted only
by a passing gull or scrub jay
You know my heart,
my weaknesses,
my desires,
my love
and I, yours.
We recall yesterdays
with enough memories
to fill a lifetime,
and dream of our future
still holding sweet surprises.
Our love, admiration
and respect
increases
moment by moment
savoring this togetherness.
All tomorrows are ours,
each choice and decision
molding who we are
and what path we take
as we move on from here.
For now, the world seems right
wrapped in your arms,
warmed by your love,
our souls connected
in silent conversation.
9/21/04
Buzz Words:
conversation, surprise, unobserved, interrupt, weak, increase, yesterday, enough, admiration, serene
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Saturday Morning Walk With The Boys
Its getting to be something they expect
after breakfast and some playtime,
to don the proper attire and head for the trails.
The sun was fighting the fog for control of the sky
this morning as we left the house,
the air was warm enough not to need sweaters.
Their excitement was noticeable
as restlessness in the back seat
all three of them knew what awaited them.
The twins, cute as can be, with their sweet faces
and the older one, who tolerates the twins
and their rambunctiousness.
Arriving at the trailhead we pile from the car
holding tightly to them as we cross the street
and head to where we can let them run.
So much to explore, the dirt, the trees, the grasses.
Running ahead of us, but never out of voice range
peeking around trees to make sure we're still there.
In their youth the hills seem nearly level
their legs easily carrying them upward
leaving us puffing behind them.
Waiting patiently as we old ones catch up
then running ahead of us again
in a game of independence and trust.
We laugh together as we see their energy running out
when finally our endurance catches up to theirs
and they slow down, keeping even with our pace.
Back to the car and the ride home
their little bodies melt into the leather seats
their eyes close in dreams of their adventures.
I could get used to this ritual on Saturday morning,
a cup of coffee, fresh air, and good company
exploring the trails of Pebble Beach, with three dogs.
9/18/04
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6:49 am.
As the sun rises in
the eastern sky like rich cream,
a new day is born.
9/14/04
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Morning
Awake now and hear
birdsong bid the day to share
it's gift of great joy.
9/14/04
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Imagination Coma
*Buzz Winner*
Flipping through channels with a Coke in hand...
Old time shows with Alfalfa and Buckwheat,
3 Stooges, Flintstones, I Love Lucy!
Click...click...click...
Reality programs less real than sitcoms,
Sci-fi stories, life after death, make millions today!
Click...click...click...
Fighting with parents as cameras record,
Then shared with the world as acceptable!
Click...click...click...
Fantasy spacemen arrive in the night,
Roommates shift and become back-stabbing friends!
Click...click...click...
Ghosts and vampires live in the house next door,
Sensual seaside sagas of murder and deceit!
Click...click...click...
Its no wonder imaginations, like rocks standing still,
are covered in moss at a very young age,
look what we nourish them with.
9/13/04
Buzz Words:
alfalfa, ghost, seaside, shift, space, sci-fi, coke, fight, coma, moss
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Today
In the late summer sky
the warm sunshine shimmers,
like diamonds against the deep blue water,
the waves crash playfully against the shore
washing the soft white sand
from beneath my toes.
Surfers ride their waxed boards
on mountains of white foam
laced with kelp.
Sun worshippers bask,
while the cautious hide
safely beneath colorful umbrellas
The sky turns soft blue to pink,
then pink to orange,
as the sun sets quickly into the sea,
bringing today a close
and birthing the dreams of tomorrow.
9/6/04
Buzz Words:
sun, sea, white, sand, waves, sky, deep, blue, shimmering, dream
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Heaven on Earth
In this moment of anticipation
only an angel's song
could possibly come close
to expressing the joy
that consumes me.
If heaven were obtainable
in this earthly place
it would be here, now...
azure sky so brilliant
it seems surreal,
a gentle breeze playfully
teasing the leaves of the trees
and tossing my hair softly
against my face,
pearlescent waves
crashing against
the warm sandy beach
and you.
What more, on earth,
could I need.
9/2/04
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Star Dappled Kiss
I sent you a kiss tonight
after the blue faded
from the summer sky
and the stars began their dance
in the mist of midnight,
like faeries amid the tree tops
as the fireflies sparkled
among the ferns at their feet.
I need to laugh with you again,
to be rid of this lost feeling
that lays like a thick dewy
sadness upon my heart,
to leave this isle of loneliness,
bring my memories home
rediscovering their joy
in sharing them with you.
Tonight, from beyond the miles
I hold you in my heart
knowing without a doubt
you are a part of me
that I can not live without.
8/28/04
Buzz Words:
blue, faery, amid, dewy, fern, mist, isle, laughed, lost, beyond
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Pure Delight
*Buzz Winner*
The mountains sweet fragrance
surrounds them in this silence.
Their embrace, free of slippers
and sweaters, skin against skin.
Rays of gold and amber envelope them
in this world of pine trees and posies
as the rocks sing his madrigals of pleasure
for her ears alone to hear
8/17/04
Buzz Words:
rocks, mountain, fragrant, posies, pleasures, gold, purest, madrigals, slippers, amber
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restless night
the lighthouse shines its beam
like lightning across the sky
the cold sting of the misty wind
slaps my tear-stained face,
wildly tangling my hair as I stand
loafing alone along the shore
watching nature play, wave against shore,
in the darkness of night
greyscale scenery surrounds me,
the color of my heart
no majestic mountains to climb,
no sweet lingering song
to quiet my soul
only the sound of
nature at work, pounding surf,
beating like my heart
working hard to not fall apart,
sweating sorrow from within.
8/3/04
Buzz Words:
mountain, sing, loaf, work, scenery sweat, play, nature, climb, lightning
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reverie
eyelashes fall gently upon soft pink cheeks,
the utter confusion of the day forgotten.
thoughts are set adrift with twinkling stars
trailing across the darkened sky.
dreams lie in wait afar from this world
of homes, offices and entirely too much stress,
waiting to take us elsewhere,
to be set free, if only for a moment...or two.
7/26/04
Buzz Words:
forgetting, setting, afar, trailing, star, utter, entire, lies, home, elsewhere
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I Miss You Too
I woke this morning filled with thoughts of you,
of the times we have yet to share together
and the times I hold so lovingly in my heart,
of walks along the water and casual talks,
of soft whispers and long sweet kisses.
I could feel your strong fingers entwined
with mine as we walked somewhere,
where didn't matter it was the nearness of you
that caused my mind to drift
and my heart to well up with joy.
The scent of you surrounded me
like arms holding me against your chest
I felt your heart beat against my cheek
and the softness of your breath play with my hair
I heard your voice deep inside me...
I miss you too.
7/23/04
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A Cherub Waltz
(for Matthew)
I watch him dance,
music touching his soul,
spinning and giggling,
moving his body purposefully
but without inhibition.
Flawless reality
is in the stomping of his feet,
the flailing of his arms,
the smile on his face.
He is perfection
and innocence...
He is life.
6/19/04
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simple enough
I could barely see through the crowd
but I knew he was there
his earth stained white robes
torn at the edges by those
who's faith was great
slowly the basket made its way past me
still filled beyond its handles
with fish and bread for all
of us who crushed the hillsides
beyond the lawns and gardens
of our homes
at the centre of this eclectic
collection of souls he told us
to sit and eat...so we did
he had been speaking
throughout the countryside
promising something beyond
our simple understanding
he told stories of weeds and seeds
hidden treasures and fishing
he promised rebirth and new life
pure as the snow that falls from heaven
fruits beyond those of taste
nourishment for minds, hearts and souls
all we need do is listen and follow
gone would be the weaknesses of today
replaced by the promises of tomorrow
trust in his word...simple enough
or is it?
6/30/04
Buzz words:
basket, gone, handle, centre, lawn, slowly, white, fruits, snow, torn
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Chimera Theatre
On the margin of dreams
she wanders in solitude
across a vacant stage
draped in sparkling starlight
beneath the moonless sky,
it lies continuously in wait
for her wealth of pleasures
and fantasies to break free
into a sprightly dance
as she surrenders herself,
again, to sleep.
6/21/04
Buzz words:
wealth, wandered, sparkling, continuous, margin, beneath, vacant, sprightly, solitude
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Birth of Spring
*Buzz Winner*
Garden fairies waken
to the rallentando of winter's song,
as snowflakes and frost flowers
give way to daffodils, star thistles,
and the frondescence of spring.
Bathed in gentle raindrops,
they dance wing footed
in the warming air
as Mother Nature creates
a resplendent floral collage
lacing her pastel ribbons
through the garden lattice.
6/14/04
Buzz words:
frost flower, lattice, star thistle, frondescence, rallentando, raindrop,
snowflake, Winter, collage, wing footed
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Beyond the Moon
Beyond the moon in
the softness of the night air
the sound of the water
laps against the rocks
as the sea life sleeps cradled
in their kelp beds.
Few things miss
our appreciation,
but, often we lose
sight of the truth.
Selfishness and business
win over the innocent
goodness in our lives.
Take time to appreciate all
the beauty that surrounds you.
Let the innocence of life
renew your passion for it,
both here in the daylight
and beyond the moon.
6/6/04
Buzz words:
few, lose, win, all, true, good, beautiful, things, beyond, moon
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Like a Phoenix
She came again last night,
rising like a phoenix
from the depths
of a nether world,
thence to paint
the midnight hills
with her luminous glaze.
She races, against time,
across the darkness
eclipsing the stars
with her radiance
as she passes.
Confined to her orbit,
her circle of life,
waxing and waning
beyond her control
she returns,
with the passing
of the eventide,
to the other side
waiting to rise again
from her nocturnal hell.
5/31/04
Buzz words:
orbit, race, circle, confines, glaze, nether, eclipsed, hell, control, thence
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Farmer's Market
Because the morning fog
cleared early and the
sunshine is warm today,
the ancient game begins
promptly at seven.
A gathering of produce
farmers bantering for profits.
The cavalier attitude of the
obstreperous vendors
is anything but monotonous,
each drawing attention
to their particular specialty
with voices and samples.
Despite their tasty tidbits,
and my preference for
strawberries and
elephant heart plums,
my attention is drawn
to a small table draped
with an azure blue cloth
and a handwritten sign
that reads:
Anons
(sugar-apples)
3 for $1
A bright-eyed young girl
offers a plate filled with fruit
and I eagerly taste the sweet pulp
of this tropical delight.
Savoring its delicate essence
I place three in my basket
before heading off to
bargain for my strawberries
and elephant heart plums.
5/22/04
Buzz words:
obstreperous, monotony, despite, cavalier, because, ancient, preference, sunshine, game, anon
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possibilities and promise
if life were a slate
where moments were written
it would be easy
to take an eraser
and remove those things
we no longer wished to recall
but memories live on
the good and the bad
some bring us great joy
recalling those times
when all was right in the world
times of family and friends
celebrations and life
as we dreamed it would be
some hold us hostage
wearing on us
beating us down
painfully
repeatedly
battered, we try to move on
but life gives us an opportunity
to pack away these times,
some, where they are easily recalled
other in a dusty old attic
where they need never be seen again.
life gives us the opportunity
to begin again
yesterdays are past
they were the pathway
to where we are now
but they are behind us
we can't go back
history is not to be rewritten
tomorrow is waiting to be composed
like a great symphony
note by note
recalling only briefly
the discords of the past
and striving towards the splendor
of that perfect harmony
each movement holding us
in anticipation of the next
the present is a gift
to be enjoyed and cherished
given us anew each day
allowing us the chance to start again
creating new moments and memories
filled with possibilities
and promise.
5/14/04
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An Invitation
Come, tread barefoot across our
Shores in the frigid sea foam,
As gulls appear like watchmen,
Standing guard while darkness
Consumes the overcast skies
Masking the lunar magic
With the mystic fog of summer.
Here, is poetry in motion
Where waves beat steadily
Against the glistening sands,
Hours seem to pass slowly,
Wounds heal, passions grow
And memories become so real
You can almost hear your mother
Calling you home for dinner.
5/10/04
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i'll wash the sheets tomorrow
tonight let me wrap myself
in the essence of you
that lingers in the cotton
enveloping me
as I relive,
in dream,
our stolen moments
together
5/6/04
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in loneliness
this day departs
leaving me
to the mercy
of the night
condemned to
sleepless longings
as the moon
hangs in loneliness
touched only
by the sweetness
of the stars
sharing my
waiting
wanting
needing
5/5/04
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peaches and vodka
alone with the walls closing in around me
i sit looking at my life as if through
a piece of old glass
filled with wrinkles and flaws
not looking at all as i remember it
pieces missing
no perspective.
nothing looks familiar now
though everything is mine
or was mine,
i think...
every step i take,
as if enveloped in marshmallow creme,
is slow,
never quite reaching
what i try to touch.
and if i did,
what would the purpose be,
nothing makes sense.
the moments pass
one after another
more slowly than in days past
especially from my cocoon
of sheets and blankets
no sleep, eyes wide open
as if in shock or panic,
merely watching as
time passes on
without me
the skies are grey
even with the afternoon sun
the days and nights are cold,
my body constantly shakes.
i loath today and fear tomorrow
but somehow
things look brighter
when decorated with
peaches and vodka.
4/12/04
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April Fool
Who needs the first of April to be pointed out a fool.
Some of us learned through life's faux pas and some of us in school.
Or perhaps it is a day of honor for those who have the flair
for living life with blinded trust and who love without a care.
So thank you for this special day for fools both far and wide
and for pointing out the foolishness that we try so hard to hide.
4/1/04
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The
Art of a Nightmare
The thundering beat of my heart
echoes within me as I stir,
afraid to open my eyes, and
petrified keeping them closed.
I pull my wool blanket
more tightly around myself,
a necessary warmth against the chill
of my illusory journey this night.
The unwavering wind blows against me
as fingers of seductive fog enshroud
the moon and cast eerie shadows
through ghostly trees
along a path, as if stumped
by Van Gogh or Bosch
hauntingly creating
just steps ahead of me
then recreating after I pass.
There is no turning back,
as the path vanishes behind me.
creatures wail from the shadows
as the enveloping fog pulls me,
taunts me,
tempts me,
beckons me forward
each step leading deeper
into Hieronymus' Hell.
3/29/04
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Another Day
Overlooking a weeping stream,
just beyond a field of fragrant
wildflowers scattered softly
among the spring green
grasses and towering oak trees,
I am alone, wholly lost in
the infinite thoughts of
my mind and heart.
Employing these few
moments of solitude,
in the freshness of
the new day, I dream,
opening myself to the hard
realities of the mind
and the paltry hopes of the heart.
Neither offer contentment,
both offer tears.
3/22/04
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Final Moments
*Buzz Winner*
A lilac fog whirled softly at my feet
as my human age came to an end.
Gentle as the petals of a flower
the dark comet of death pulled
at the edge of my existence
as the radiance of who I was
faded quickly into emptiness.
3/13/04
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I Died a Little More Today
I would imagine that each little death
will eventually lead to a completeness
of unfeeling, uncaring...
like a cancer consuming my heart.
and yet each stab, each shock
hurts as much or more than the last.
Is it possible that the heart, when wounded
recreates itself like the tail of a desert lizard
snapped off by a mischievous child,
that in those times of respite, remission
the heart softens and in so leaves itself
vulnerable to more hurt, more pain,
yet still weak enough for the suffering
to be stronger each time.
Today I am most thankful for sunglasses
hiding the honest portals to my heart.
With my feet dangling inches from
the numbing cold of the incoming tide
my mind whirls with thoughts, feelings
selfishly wishing the pain onto someone else.
Wishing the waves would suddenly
crest high enough to wash me from this rock
and swiftly take me to life's final sleep.
His arm offers little comfort today
each word meant to sooth,
or at the very least smooth over,
biting and sharp like salt poured into a wound
His nearness bittersweet
needing him beside me,
yet frantically building a taller wall,
a thicker wall to protect myself from him,
his life, his roller coaster.
I interpret today as a dim glimpse
of the tomorrows we are yet to face
I am yet to face, for my worst nightmare
would be his dream come true
and here we sit silently watching
the waves crash at our feet
as bit by bit we fall to pieces
neither understanding the death
consuming each others hearts
3/12/04
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Amazing Love
I am greeted each morning
with an incredible gift of love;
the beauty of the new day.
The air filled with the scent
of pine and eucalyptus,
laurel and narcissus.
Colorful blankets of
buttercups and poppies
cover the ground.
Cherry, peach and plum trees
weigh heavy with blossoms,
promising summer fruits.
A few white clouds
painted wistfully across
the baby blue sky,
ablaze with the rising sun,
as seagulls and butterflies
play blissfully on the morning breeze.
I don't know why you love me,
broken as I am.
But, with every breath I thank you,
I love you too.
3/8/04
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Still Small Voice of Comfort
I gazed across the ocean
at the clouds that had begun forming
while sleep still filled my eyes.
They appeared so far in the distance,
and yet I felt the biting winds
and gentle rain upon my face.
His creation overwhelmed me
as I tried to grasp His majesty
with my simple human heart.
From the path along the shore,
I told Him of my troubled heart
and the pain I felt inside.
I asked Him for a sign so that I
would know He was there.
I felt Him tenderly reach to
touch my cheek with rain
and heard His still small voice
echoing in the cold wind,
I am with you always
3/1/04
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An Afternoon in Winter
It's hard to believe that it is still winter here
with the sky so blue and the sun so warm.
I woke this morning reliving our yesterdays
as I so often do these days, thankful that
you don't have to give so much of your time to us,
but you do and we share the most amazing things.
I could feel our fingers warmly entwined
as they were yesterday sitting together
at our special place on the beach,
the soft breeze teasing our skin
the sun adding a touch of pink to our cheeks
and to the top of your head.
Sitting shoulder to shoulder we watched the otters play
in the cresting waves before they crashed into the rocks
where the gulls perch waiting for lunch to swim by.
So much for our hearts and eyes to consume,
each of us watching and sharing what we think
the other may have missed, did you see that?
The temperature reached nearly 70 this week
I could feel it's warmth in the soft cotton of your shirt
as I gently rubbed your back while you
napped peacefully upon our quilt in the sand,
stirring only briefly as a pair of Canadian geese
winged their way over head noisily chattering to each other.
If I were to take my paint brush in hand
and wash it across a canvas with the color
of the sky we share, one would argue its reality,
as they would the depth of blue that builds in the waves
or the soft turquoise as they crest and fall
in white foam across the majestic rocks of the coast.
Yesterday we shared our beach with a few people
who stopped briefly to absorb the splendor of our front yard.
Some with cameras trying to capture
the emotion of what they are experiencing in a box.
I fear though, that while they will feel it again when
they gaze upon the film, it will be lost on
those they share it with, merely vacation pictures,
as it truly is an experience not merely a vision.
I count my blessing each day,
these are foremost in my mind and heart;
the sun, the surf, the emotions of the
experiences we share together each day,
and you, reading me poetry on our blanket
in the sun, sharing an afternoon in winter.
2/12/04
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Lunch with Herman
Together we sit, our feet buried in the damp sand,
watching the waves crash over the rocks,
not 10 feet away,
draped with kelp and seafoam.
Today it is Panini and sunshine on our private beach.
Another day shared with each other, the whales
the otters,
and Herman....the seagull.
We smile and giggle sharing the soft breezes and
fighting over the binoculars as we watch
the spouting of whales migrating in our front yard.
Each time we return here,
the more it feels like home,
knowing this is the right place and the right time.
The whales know it as they signal their passing.
The otters know it as they play near by,
and Herman knows it...
watching us together, waiting patiently
knowing without a doubt we have been here before
and we will return again...promising
he will be here to greet us when we do.
2/10/04
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Who
was I?
Who was I before you were here?
Before the I love yous
And the soft tender kisses.
Who was I before you were here?
Before every waking moment
Was filled with us...and you.
Who was I before you were here?
Before my reverie was filled with
precious memories and dreams.
Who was I before you were here?
Who will I be when you are gone?
Who will I be when you are gone?
Your day dreams fulfilled
And your bags packed.
Who will I be when you are gone?
Your silent prayers answered
And I'm left to face the lies.
Who will I be when you are gone?
Your heart once again journeying
Searching for what you leave behind.
Who will I be when you are gone?
Who was I before you were here?
2/9/04
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hold me
frightened like a child
huddled in a corner
as the rain falls within
flooding my heart
spilling from my eyes
cowering here unable to move
hold me with no words
cradle me like a child
huddled in a corner
2/9/04
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Am I to Forget?
Dear Lord, help me to understand...
Why it is that people come and go in our lives?
How is it you allow us to be touched so deeply,
then take them away?
What is it we are to learn from this heartbreak?
I hurt too much to rationally think this through.
Please allow me a burning bush of understanding,
help me handle this emptiness in my life.
Hold my hand. Put your strong arm
around my shoulders and hold me up,
as I am sure to fall with the
weakened steps I take...
weak from pain ... weak from loss.
Clear my mind. Focus my thoughts.
What is it you want from me that I couldn't
accomplish with him here?
Am I to forget? If so, Dear Lord, I need a miracle.
Send your angels of comfort to hold my heart,
for all I can see are the tomorrows that will not be,
even clouding the memories of
days we have shared.
It hurts to think his name ... his face ... his touch.
Dear Lord, help me to understand...
1/31/04
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I Prayed For You Today
Along the shore
in the brilliant morning sun,
the sea roars as it rushes in waves
to meet the sand at my feet.
The cloudless sky
takes on a splendid pink
and yellow hue, as the wind holds
the gulls and pelicans aloft.
My heart is consumed
as I fall to my knees in the lace
of splash and foam,
left by the receding tide.
There I offer my soul to the creator
my hopes,
my blessings,
my fears...
and you.
1/25/04
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Sunrise
As I turned your corner this morning,
the sun burst forth and poured its
golden radiance across the purple mountains,
Did you see it this morning,
from your place along the shore?
I imagined you did
and wished we could have shared it.
1/23/04
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Mother Nature
Finding him near death
at the edge of his world
painted with
the pallor of death.
I gently touched
his grey cheek
and cried.
He stirred with his last
energy, his hollow and
empty eyes pleaded for life.
Long slender fingers reached
for the hem of my sleeve
as he fell to his knees.
I saw in him there,
a mere shell of the being
he once was.
I felt his pain, his loss
his struggles, his heart
As my fingers
touch his chilled skin
I knew what must be.
Laying my palms against
his gentle face,
I opened his eyes
with the soft dew of the morning.
Placing my lips upon
his mouth I breathed into him
fresh air scented
with pines and eucalyptus.
Pressing my hand
against his still chest
I gifted him the pounding
of the surf against the
rocky coast
as the beat of his heart.
Suddenly, as if reborn
all the colors of spring
and summer and fall
consumed his greyness.
The velvety fog
that shrouded the moment
began to burn away, now
at the point of quickening
his eyes reflected a life
he understood as his own
I slowly released my hold
and he once again stood
on his own with the strength
of a coastal sequoia.
1/16/04
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Long Way
Home
I drove the long
way home today.
Through the grove
along the water.
The cresting of
each crystalline wave
reminding me
of your departure,
and of your return.
Soon, my love,
soon...
1/15/04
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Hurry
Home
Curled beneath the warmth
of the blue blanket,
from the back of the wicker chair
my body stretches nearly lifeless
in the brilliant afternoon sunshine
on the sofa in the studio
emotionally drained and fragile.
Sounds drift through my reverie
each reminding me of your absence
each drawing me deeper and deeper
into the numbness
into the escape.
Waking only momentarily
wondering if this time shared
was merely too a dream.
1/15/04
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The Station
The dates on the calendar,
those small boxes
filled with the activities
that fill the common day,
pass slowly in
anticipation of what is
not written there...
The day finally arrives
with all the expected
projects to consume it.
The musical stroke of
the grandfather clock
at three o'clock
kindles in me thoughts
of the early evening.
Time to go...
My heart races, with
a nervous temperament,
as my crusade
leads me to the gate
where within moments
I will greet you
with open arms and heart
sharing with you
the greatest gift of all...
12/28/03
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to be unimportant
one would think
to be unimportant
would make it easy
to go through life
with no worries
or stress...wrong
to be unimportant
means being
brushed to the side
being put on a shelf,
not one of esteem,
like last years toy
or yesterday's dream
to be unimportant
is painful at best
it stings
and it burns
it breaks one's heart
it tears at one's soul
i think i would rather
struggle with the stress
of being important.
11/19/03
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The Monarchs
In the late afternoon
before the sun went down
I ambled with the deer
to the west side of town
They watched as I walked
seeming to say
tread softly and quietly
as you go on your way
What I saw there
left me trembling and weak
Tears filled my eyes
I was unable to speak
Most would have missed it
as they hurried and rushed
but the people near by
knew they had been touched
Look upward in silence
to the top of the trees
you will see them, the Monarchs
light on the breeze
Hundreds of thousands
take wing in this place
dancing on air
with beauty and grace
Watch closely, now, see
the trees and their 'leaves'
they take flight toward the sun
with the gentlest breeze
I sat for an hour
completely in awe
at the beauty and color
and splendor I saw
I witnessed God's artistry
and my heart took flight
in the quiet little grove
filled with afternoon light
11/19/03
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My Beloved Friend
Tonight as you sleep
in restless slumber
I hold your broken heart,
its shards cut into my hands
as I work to collect all the pieces
scattered around the room
now dark with the night.
The hurt within my body
equates to the pain in yours
the blood spilled from your
shattered heart covers me
it fills my wounds,
and veils my scars
as I wrap myself
around your restless body
trying to succor your soul.
You curl softly at my side, like a child,
whimpering against my chest
unaware of my presence.
Tears stain your cheeks
and there is a quiver in your lip
revealing the deep loss that consumes
this cherished temple.
Working through the night
with the determination of true love
and empathy, I labor to
piecing together your heart,
knowing it will never be the same
praying it will heal enough
to love again one day.
My most treasured friend, if it were
within my power to heal and rebuild
I would, for I know the preciousness
of your heart, your mind,
and your being.
You are adored like none other
in this world we know...and
Beloved, you are to me.
11/16/03
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Do you recall the first time?
The first time you held hands...
The first time you were kissed...
The first time you made love....
How about the first time
real love wrote its verse
indelibly on your heart?
Not the love of youth
but real grown-up,
heart-stopping,
earth-shattering,
take-your-breath-away,
beautiful, divine,
until-the-end-of-time love?
Were you in the country
or a boisterous city?
Could you hear the music
from the place on the corner?
You know the place,
the one with the soft candles,
delicate wines and a smooth sax
on Friday nights?
Was it in the warmth of
a summer sun
or in the quietness of the night?
Were you at a party
or walking on the beach,
alone, just the two of you
with the man in the moon
cradled in an infinite
number of sparkling stars.
Do you recall the first time?
I do...
each time I see your face.
10/30/03
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She
Rides a Raven
She rides a raven
dark as the night
her hair flying free
against the sky
if evil has a face
it is hers;
sweet, innocent,
able to convince
those who look upon her
that her heart is pure
all the time
using her charms
to win the hearts
and minds
of the ones she desires,
the ones she will use
to feed her needs.
In a past life
I too rode a raven
dark as night
with my hair flying free
I can see through her
mask of purity
and know her heart
for once mine
was the same
bent on self fulfillment
with no care of others,
but, in this life
I leave you this warning;
she will touch your heart
tell you she loves you
like no other she has known,
guard your heart dear friend
or risk it being ripped
from your body
and devoured for her
own momentary
self gratification.
Take care,
Take care.
10/29/03
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Top of the World
Today I stood at the top of the world
among the towering pine trees
facing the Pacific Ocean,
my bare toes curled cautiously
on the edge of the seaside cliff
as my hands reached toward the heavens.
The warmth of the late autumn sun
played sensually upon my face as
a gentle breeze danced with
my cotton dress, softly
and lovingly caressing my body
like the fingers of a passionate lover.
In that moment of solitude,
overwhelmed with awe and majesty,
I wished you were holding me close
sharing this moment in time,
I softly spoke your name, in love, and
sealed it with a tender kiss as it floated
lightly on the passing breath of god
journeying south towards you.
Tomorrow when you are out
doing those things that fill your day,
so far away from me, turn to the north,
listen carefully, when you hear me calling
your name on the gentle currents
quickly close your eyes and
feel my soft kiss upon your lips
as it passes.
10/29/03
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In Your
Silence
In your silence
you speak
to me of
emotions
and feelings
so sincere,
so consuming,
so fulfilling...
a love that
could never
be expressed.
10/29/03
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Circle
of Fairies
I once saw a painting
of a young woman
happily watching a circle of fairies
dancing in the tall grass
free spirited, naked
and filled with delight.
I want to find this place,
this meadow of tall grass
where I can join the fairies dancing
with no inhibitions, free from all worries
caught up in a single moment of time.
I want to spin freely in the wind,
with the passion of a child,
feeling it caress my face,
where the tall stocks tease
as they tickle my bare skin.
Where is this place?
When is the time...
the time to let go, to be set free
to rediscover the joy in my heart?
Where is this place?
I want to dance
free and full of life.
Where is this place?
I need to dance
naked in the sun.
10/10/03
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Phantom Regiment
Surging silently
through the night
the ritual has begun.
These phantoms
of the night,
draped in fringed
grey cloaks gather
dancing provocatively
through the forest
In the darkness they
making their way
through the empty streets
creeping over fences,
slithering up stairs,
rolling seductively
across the ground
within seconds
consuming
all they affront.
Their hypnotic
invitation into
this dark liturgy
goes unanswered
by the knowing
and those who
blench in fear.
10/9/03
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Seagulls
I watch a seagull winging by
and am sure he's on his way
to one of the neighborhood meeting
he and his feathered cohorts hold
on the roof across the street.
They gather there quite regularly
surely discussing matters
of great importance to seagulls.
Sometimes their discussions
get quite heated and often
someone leaves in a huff,
but mostly I think
they tell jokes about us.
If you listen carefully
you'll hear the jokester
spin his tale,
in his native tongue,
then suddenly
the whole multitude
of these winged creatures
begin cackling wildly
and flapping their wings
you can almost hear
one of them say
"That was a good one Joe."
Then they all fly off
to other meetings
or important things
that seagulls like to do.
10/10/03
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Love Note
My heart is filled
to overflowing
with our love,
and yet I
find myself
longing for
more of everything
that is you.
It is in you that
I find myself,
tucked tenderly
in the folds
of your being.
Through your eyes,
I am drawn
within you
and know
the depth
of your love.
It is from you
that an eternal flame
burns within my soul,
fueled by
the precious moments
we share together,
when time stops,
the world stands still,
and nothing exists
except for
you and me.
10/9/03
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Harbor Lights
Tonight I walked
along the waters edge.
The harbor lights
fell like tear drops
across the water.
Remembering
another time,
another place
and missing you.
10/6/03
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Another Foggy Morning
A perfect time for a
very hot bath
watching the fog creep by
the window next to the tub.
In the stillness of the moment
I can actually hear the fog horn
from the lighthouse
down the street.
As I lower my head
into the waiting warmth,
my hair floats free
like the fingers of fog
moving softly
on the cool marine air.
In this brief portion of time
my mind empties
of all stress and thought,
the water pleasantly
muffles all sound
save for the beating
of my heart.
The sensual scent of
lavender candles
fill the steamy air
awakening me
to the reality of a new day
relaxed, renewed
refreshed.
10/6/03
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I'll Remember You
I'll remember you
when time has passed us by
all the loving yesterdays
the talks about tomorrow
I know today, it can not last
but, I'll remember you
I'll remember you
quite fondly in my heart
the places and the laughter
the tears and fights and pain
we meant the world to each other
once, I'll remember you
I'll remember you
though clearly someone new
has filled your restless heart
where once you kept my love
we grow, we change, we move along
yet, I'll remember you
10/5/03
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October's First Saturday
In this fog shrouded small
town on the beautiful coast
a tradition unfolds
as the community
known as Butterfly Town USA
welcome the monarchs.
Each year in October
activities begin that pay
homage to these
spectacular insects
who make their homes
in our grove.
Here they find a sanctuary
in trees they gather
thousands on thousands
as they create the illusion
of monarch leaves
like hanging grapes
in a vineyard.
October's first Saturday
to my delight
the whole town gathers
as young children
don wings and march
through the streets
to give official welcome
to these creatures of beauty.
Monarch Munchkins
from local schools
beam with delight
they giggle and smile
as they share
with the viewers
their wings
of black, white and orange.
There are painters and otter
cowboys and clown
marching bands
even the officer
on the motorcycle
proudly wears
antenna on his helmet
and big wings on his back.
The parents dart
along the sidelines
to get the best shots
for their annual
Christmas letters
and young ones
in strollers eagerly
await their turn to
wear wings and walk
down Lighthouse and Pine.
From the comfort of my porch
along the parade route
I sit with my
warm cup of coffee
overjoyed with
the bit of sunshine
this tradition provides
in this fog shrouded small
town on the beautiful coast
known as Butterfly Town USA.
10/4/03
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Thanksgiving Rose
It must be Thanksgiving
the family gathers
the smell of turkey roasting
fills the air and
there she sits
an annual tradition
as she holds court
from the antique rocker
in the corner of the living room.
Great Aunt Rose is,
dare I say,
the fossil of the family.
We all gather
young and old at her feet
unable to break away as
she weaves her magic
with vivid recollections
of days gone by.
From my perch
in the doorway between
the rose and the turkey
I watch in awe
as her aging fingers
pull free from the mesh
of her lap afghan
to accentuate her tale.
I am mesmerized by
her charismatic words and
by the dancing
light fairies filling the room
as the lamp light
hits the diamonds on
her gnarled and
age bruised hands.
Each word is taken as gospel
though my theory is
she spins a truthful web
of memories and dreams.
Fact or fantasy aside
this gathering of family
would be incomplete
were Great Aunt Rose
not holding court
from the antique rocker
in the corner of the living room.
10/2/03
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Welcome Home
familiar footsteps on the stairs
her heart leaps for joy
a gentle rapping as the knob turns
how comfortable he is
how much a part of this place
is it his smile
the look in his eyes
he shares his heart with her
though the words
are never spoken, outloud
her body moves quickly
thrilled by his return
his arms wrap tightly around her
pulling them into each other
melting her into their unity
lips eagerly find lips
fingers trace and retrace
racing hearts, breathing as one
each time he embraces her
like a first time...welcome home
9/29/03
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My Favorite Poet
He pours his thoughts onto paper
the ones he is willing to share
Touching me with what he writes
as no other poet can
Each word as if a messenger
sent to melt my heart
Only in part do I understand
what he offers me in verse
Until I hear his loving voice
his tones so sweet and low
He reads to me his poetry
and brands it on my soul
9/28/03
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Beautiful
Survivors
Dawn breaks to a bright new day
the dark threat of midnight's storm
dissolved into a fogless morning sky
the color of light blue ink
painted with ribbons of whites and greys.
A scent of botanical candles
still lingers on the air
aromatic reminders of a long dark night
shared with friends and family
watching, waiting, prepared for the worst.
The faint chanting of chainsaws
droan in the near distance
drawing my attention to the lawn's blanket
of fallen leaves and broken branches
remnants of Isabel's battering power.
Against the leaning fence slats
a butterfly flutters purposefully
tasting the sweetness of a single morning glory
Now open to the warmth of the rising sun
beautiful survivors of a hurricane's wrath.
9/19/03
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Quilt Squares
At 37,000 feet ... the world looks different
white puffs dot the sky
like a secret code only seen from above
casting shadows on the ground below.
... its hard not to be humbled
when canyons appear like scars poorly healed
forests like bruises
and grand lakes like pooled teardrops.
At 37,000 feet ... life as we know it is not apparent
cities, towns and communities spattered
haphazardly across the landscape
each unique yet indistinguishable.
... I question my purpose
what value am I, what worth,
when compared to the vastness of creation
I am a tiny speck in this time and place.
At 37,000 feet ... over looking this splendid patchwork
I recall each piece, each square,
each stitch and thread that holds it all together
Each person, place and thing that is a part of who I am.
... I am reminded by the creator of such grandeur
I too am a thread
a human stitch
a cherished square in the fragile quilt of life.
9/13/03
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Today is a Day for Celebration
Today is a day for celebration,
a day for singing songs and dancing.
God has called his faithful servant home.
Today is a day for reflection,
a day to see things a bit differently
Grannie M has touched our hearts.
Today is a day for sorrow
a day to organize memories for tomorrow,
for shedding tears and feeling lost.
Today is a day for rebirth
a day to claim for ourselves
the parts of her she left with each of us.
Today is a day for understanding
a day to believe she is completely free
from all her pain and suffering.
Today is a day for celebration,
a day for singing songs and dancing.
God has called his faithful servant home.
May the day come for us, each in our own time,
when we will be with her again...
On that greatest day of celebration...
...when God calls his faithful servants home.
9/10/03
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Asilomar Beach
Last night's storm forcefully battered the coast
dragging it's soft sand into the depths of the sea
leaving a lace-work of kelp in the foam along the tide line.
I pull the hood of my sweatshirt close against my neck
attempting to provide a bit of shelter from the stinging winds.
The pounding waves still strike aggressively at the shoreline
roaring and crashing against the rocks
creating a fine mist and fog that blurs my vision.
I strain to see what must surely have been someone's prize possession
now broken and abandoned, strewn wildly upon the strands.
The storm had cast her hard against the rocks,
shredding her majestic beauty into but pieces of driftwood
draped mournfully in a limp sheet that once caught the wind
and had given her life
Her mast an unyielding stem against the grey sky
seeming to pin her few recognizable remains onto the beach.
In the blink of an eye the limits of the mast had been reached
it's strength gave way and snapped with a deafening crack
releasing itself to the force of the ocean.
In that split second the water revealed, once again,
its ability to be both the seed of chimeras
and the destructor of hopes and dreams
9/10/03
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A Question of Time
is there enough?
is there too little?
in time, out of time, spare time,
are we on time?...pressed for time?
...or is it too late?
making time, loosing time,
the nick of time,
you snooze you loose...
proper time, inappropriate time,
metered time, cut time, a stitch in time,
our time, next time, same time...
time for, time with, time to,
past time, half time, the whole time,
over time, time after time...
sands of time, bewitching time,
march of time, killing time,
river of time, a long time...
spend time, fill time, for the time being,
pass the time, a point in time,
by the time...all the time...
time flies, time marches on...
race against it, try to stop it...
time is of the essence, time runs out.
Once upon a time,
somewhere in time,
a time to laugh, a time to cry...
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
creep in this petty pace from day to day...(MacBeth)
it is all a question of time...
10/10/99
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Without
You
candlelight flickers
a soft warm scent of lavender fills the air
cool satin sheets folded back
inviting warm bodies
to find gentle rest within
angelic sounds of soprano and harp
soothe the tangled nerves of the day
looking around the room
the mood is set...
sensual and inviting...
each sense aroused...
late harvest grapes for the tongue
light oils for the touch
closing my eyes
the moment consumes me
only one thing is missing
this evening is incomplete...without you
10/4/99
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Empty Moments in
Time
resting my head against the chair back...
george winston's passionate
keyboard filling my ears and heart...
another quiet night...
the phrases of music echoing
in this empty moment in time...
feeling neither joy nor sadness...
more a strange feeling of distance
of being disjointed...seperated...
as if this moment, suspended in time, independent...
moving not with the earth but instead circling
bouncing, floating to the sounds of piano
spinning in tune to the arpeggio...
each augmented tone holding me suspended against reality
each grand pause leaving me breathless...
living within the crystalline sound...
intoxicated by the patterns and discord
harmonies woven like a tapestry of sound...and emotion...
each note part of it's completeness...
each beat the beat of my heart...
my mind dances in primal connection...
in this empty moment in time...
10/2/99
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The
Affair
She closes the folder of work on her desk.
Stretching her arms over her head she looks at the clock on the wall,
fifteen more minutes, she thinks to herself.
Her mind drifts briefly to the night ahead...
homework with the kids, another casserole from the freezer
sitcoms, news and bed...another exciting evening.
Not wanting to return to the work of the day
she flips on the monitor to her computer and connects to her email,
waiting...waiting....it suddenly appears, a letter from him.
They had met online nearly 5 years ago,
real life prevented them from communicating with much more than email,
but there was a strong bond between these invisible friends.
Surprise! I am in town on business...
meet me ... 7 o'clock...Maxwell's on Telegraph Ave....know the place?
I'll understand if you can't make it. *hugs* C
She looks at the clock again, 4:50pm
Picking up the phone she hurriedly calls her husband.
He should still be at his desk...
Hi honey, how was your day? ...Ya, mine too.
I have to work late tonight...shouldn't be too late....I know.
There's a casserole in the freeze...Love you.
Her nerves were like snapping twigs,
her breath caught in her chest as it tangled with her racing heartbeat.
She transmitted her reply... See you there!
As she stepped from the Metro onto Telegraph Ave
she could feel the schism between real life and what had been
a fantasy grow as seeds of doubt began to sprout in her heart.
Standing at the window of Maxwell's she could see him
just beyond the center of the room,
as handsome as the picture he had
sent her.
Straightening her hair and her resolve, she entered the foyer.
Hello Precious, fancy meeting you here...
9/26/03
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Confusion
pondering life as the days go by,
unsure of purpose or direction...
some how there is no reality in reality
no fantasy in fantasy...
both seem jumbled and confused
much like the dreams of night
abruptly jumping from one venue to another,
so is life...
thoughts that don't match
feelings that are confused and distant
......
is there purpose?
or are the moments spent
nothing more then a stepping stone to the next,
each leading everywhere...
and nowhere....
at the same time
leaving my heart and mind spinning
and confused....
9/24/99
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A Mind's
Folly
This morning's fog circles thickly around the house,
much like a cat waiting to be fed,
forcing my thoughts inward.
A fresh cup of coffee lightened with cream,
the morning paper rich with the humor and horror of humanity
and yet my thoughts are not set free.
Fiddling with the remote looking for some distraction,
something to offer some relief to the turmoil in my head
and the sadness in my heart.
I wonder sometimes how God must feel
to watch his precious children falling short of His desires for us.
When we turn away, even walk away saying "get over it God."
How silly it seems that at seventeen we worried about dates and acne,
who was going to the prom with whom
and whether our clothes were in style.
Does it matter in the grand scheme of things?
What is important?...What really matters?
How does what we do, day to day, have any value at all?
Decisions and goals of yesterday
are toppled by events of today, in what seems a single moment,
lives are rerouted and souls wander lost in confusion.
Another sip of coffee, and a load of wash to do, force my reality
...deal with it girl, get over it, live goes on, grin and bear it...
but to what purpose?
to what end?
9/23/03
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Margaritas for Breakfast
soft breezes blow this morning,
the gentle rustling of leaves
sing sweetly as i wake,
rising and wrapping my warm body
in the cool softness of my robe
my eyes are drawn outside
as the palm trees
dance in the soft morning sun...
my mind is flooded with memories
my heart is flooded with joy
recalling our moment in time
a glorious moment for two
a world for us alone...
together at last
for this moment in time...
dancing palm trees
warm sun on our faces
soft sand in our toes
starlight in our eyes
and margaritas for breakfast
9/19/99
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Funny
Funny...
It used to be we kept each other company.
We were there to when others weren't...
We'd laugh and cry,
We'd play and pretend like the world around us
...didn't exist.
Funny...
Some how when we were there together, it didn't.
Funny...
It used to be that others would come and go.
We were the ones that stood by each other...
We'd joke and talk,
We'd explore the worlds we'd never find alone.
Funny...
Some how the world was bigger
...when we were together.
Funny...
The days seem so long now.
We aren't there...things change...
We'd don't play or explore,
We work and fill our time in a world
...that demands our attentions.
Funny...
We were the ones who put meaning
...in each others lives.
Funny...
The world seem so much emptier....
...waiting alone............
8/18/99
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Nature's Heart
It seems strange that all of nature could be so connected to her heart...
...yesterday...the warm bright sunshine filled the day,
her heart reborn and anxious for the coming spring and summer
...for in those days her life would be complete...
the days of her life, one following another,
are but blessed steps along the way to the life that waits for it's day...
...yesterday new life sprang forth and in each task new joy was found...
each thing she touched reminded her of his love,
each breath she took, light with anticipation...
he was not with her, but she lived each thing for him
and shared each moment with him, through her heart, he was there...
...today, the skies are grey and cold,
the wind tearing the blossoms from the branches
scattering them upon the ground as if tears upon the earth...
how odd this reflection of her heart in nature...
what yesterday were fragrant colors, strewn across the trees of spring...
now lay shattered upon the cold ground, withered and alone...
...she sits beneath her purple quilt...
the wind slapping her cheeks as it passes her...
her mind and heart filled with recollections and promises...
how can the events of miles away so touch her heart?...so change her life?
he has others to offer strength and prayers...
to hold him and console him...
she sits alone helpless to offer anything but words to him...
unable to share her fears and concerns with anyone but the wind...
does he know how her heart breaks for his pain?...
does he know how her arms ache to be the ones that holds him?...
does he know he is not without her?...that she is always with him?...
she knows that he is protected and his life, while changing course,
will be good, for he will have it no other way...
she knows in her heart that what once was, may never be again...
and nature reveals her fears....each ray of sunshine that breaks forth to warm her
is quick banished by another cloud, each grayer then the last...
shivering in the cold, tears begin to stain her face...
enduring the sting of nature in hope that it will numb her from the pain...
how can life be so cruel as to topple a mans life in such a way...
she fears her dreams have caused such pain for him...
yet she can't let go...for the dreams of tomorrow are the reason for living today...
over and over in her mind she hears what once was, may never be again...
it is in the sorrowful song of the birds....
the leaves tousled by the wind, repeat it in chorus...
and the once fragrant blossoms that now lay dying on the ground
reflect in nature the fears of her heart...
what once was, may never be again...and yet her heart holds tight to the dream
for in the dream is her life...her reason for each day...her purpose...
she was created for him...they were blessed in finding each other...
and the dream is their future...
she stands, still shivering in the cold...
wraps the quilt around herself as if his loving arms were holding her...
and tearfully watches the pink petals fall to the ground
knowing that what once was, may never be again...
but her heart hold tightly to the dream...as long as she has breath within her,
her hopes and dreams live on...
suddenly she felt the brush of an angels wing against her cheek...
warmth where there had been wind blown tears...
a touch that spread through her and eased some of the pain in her heart...
softly she knew that they were one with each other...connected by love...
that love would see them through anything...and the sun began to shine...
3/30/99
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